it doesn’t matter that you planned three parties this week. it doesn’t matter that you remembered the name of the security guard standing outside your office gate. no one asked for it. no one will remember how you smiled at the toddler playing in their mother’s arm. no one will ask you how you spent your birthday. when you delete it from all social platforms it comes down to 6 people who will remember to wish you and one of them will be your mother.
“oh i was busy,”
“i thought it was the next day,”
“you know me, always mixing up the dates.”
so who are these people who are remembering? every gesture, every big day. who remembers how you like your coffee? who remembers to turn down the tv because it might trigger your migraine.
must be a really pathetic group.
in reality these are the people who give more than they receive and are okay with it too. they do not keep score. they’ll drop by your apartment with flowers and takeout because they know you’ve had a rough week. these are the people who will turn down the music because they know you hate that artist.
when andie anderson showed up to her friend’s door with a newspaper in hand ready to drag her out of her misery, she probably was not calculating whether or not it would be returned. similarly when elle woods stood up for warner in front of the mean girls she wanted to help out someone she knew.
showing up is tiring. showing up despite receiving less and less effort in return is exhausting even. time and again social media sells the idea that friendship or any kind of relationship is transactional.
‘relationships are 50/50.’ trend on instagram that blew up in 2024 stirred up a controversy among philanthropists. counter tiktoks and reels were trending everywhere trying to debunk this new ‘threatening’ ideology on an app where of course people posted to make sense.
countless people started coming out and admitting why they’d never do 50/50 in anything in their relationships. there’s never the concept of: ‘dishes are your thing, laundry is mine’.
it’s never about meeting the other person in the middle. the foundation of any successful relationship is laid on ‘hey, i know it’s been a rough day for you, i got the dishes and i made you hot chocolate the way you like it.’ it’s about noticing the small things and doing the small gestures.
people who notice everything do not make a loud announcement about what they bring to the table. they quietly lift the weight off of someone they love and pour into them effort, love and kindness.
what do they get out of it? a sense of superiority? maybe. but i believe they do it for reasons they are too embarrassed to admit. one of the main reasons could be that they are well aware of the pain of handling big things and big emotions by themselves.
i once saw an important assignment lying alone on one of the tables, unattended, and very ‘easy to steal’ looking. so i picked it up in panic and searched if it had a name written on it. when i found the person it belonged to and i asked if i should put it in their bag, that they could lose it so close to exams.
they looked at me like i was crazy and nodded regardless with a small ‘thank you’. i wasn’t worried for that person in that moment. i was worried for myself. i instantly saw myself in them and thought of the pain that would come if i were in their place, to lose my assignments when i worked so hard on it.
people who remember everything are doomed to roam alone in the world they want to build. one where they receive the flowers for once.
their past never leaves them and keeps coming back to them on a seemingly pleasant afternoon, leaving behind a sick feeling in their stomach. they hear the words on repeat in an eerily accurate tone that was used, how the light fell on the marble, or how hostile the environment around them had always been.
being in your 20s is like i’m 17 and i don’t know who i am. i’m 55 curled up with a book. i’m ancient. i’ve been here forever. i never left. i’m 5 years old and i’m lost at the supermarket
—fairycosmos (tumblr)
I read this quote several years ago and it stayed with me. when i talked about it with people in my life, they said they don’t remember their childhood mostly. that it’s only a wave of feelings passing by. but to sit here and reliving every moment, is that a blessing, or am i all alone in my childhood home?
say you cannot move on from a major life event that altered the course of your life. but for someone who lived that same moment with you, it was a random tuesday.
the train is always missed, the room is always crowded and the people have moved on and you stayed. with memory in tact. remembering the kindness of that stranger. the pencil they let you borrow.
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Part of ‘dear almost everything’— a series of letter on becoming.
Same time, next week?
<3
